gonna{snap}:365x

I Am Smarter Than

2012-02-29T19:43:00.000-06:00

I Have a Question

2012-02-28T21:28:00.000-06:00

My daughter asked me what a "vuh-guy-nuh" was tonight. Then, she asked me: "Why is it there, anyway?" That is all.

Color My World

2012-02-27T18:56:00.001-06:00

Make Your Own Sale!

2012-02-26T16:30:00.000-06:00

Have you ever been shopping and wished that the item you wanted to buy was on sale? Well, today, I invented "Make Your Own Sale!" It worked brilliantly. Let me explain how you too, can "Make Your Own Sale!"

First, go shopping with a good friend. You must have known this person for quite some time. If this is a first date or first shopping outing, this plan will not be successful. Your best bet is to select someone with whom you go shopping on a regular basis. Next, select an item or items that add up to no more than $35. If you try for more than $35, chances are this plan will backfire on you. You can make your own sale, but you cannot save more than twenty dollars with this deal. Once you hit twenty, this make your own sale will default into a short term loan and you may be subject to interest and fees.

When shopping, be a helpful and friendly co-shopper. If your friend needs help loading 40 to 50 pound objects on a cart, be a pal. The next step is the most critical: do not go to the bathroom while shopping. I repeat: do not go to the bathroom while shopping. Wait for check-out time.

When it is time to check out and you are already in line, casually mention to your friend that you need to go to the bathroom and ask where it is located. Your amazing friend will know and will give you directions. Say "thank you"! Glance at your items and then at the bathroom location and then, at your friend. Your friend, being the good friend that they are, will notice your dilemma. They will begin to process what they could do to help you since they are such a good friend.

Casually and calmly open your wallet and realize that you only have about two-thirds of the cash that you need to make your purchase. (You had to plan for this up front.) You were planning to use your debit card...oh no! now what? This is the true test of your friendship. If your friend is as amazing as you think they are, they will be happy to help you, no problem. Just give them the twenty dollar bill that you have and then, trot off to the bathroom. Your friend will not only stand in line for you, but will pick up the rest of the tab on your behalf! This works best if your friend is making a slightly large purchase.

Once you have used the bathroom, carefully pace yourself so that you don't make it back too quickly. When you get back to the check-out counter, snap a photo of your amazing friend (see mine)!

Thanks Jerry! You're such a good sport! :)

Disclaimer: Oh my gosh! I am only kidding! Although all of the depicted events were real, no prior planning was involved in this so-called "scam".

Chronicling Chronicle

2012-02-25T22:28:00.000-06:00

Chronicle is a play-it-at-home kinda movie, not worth the theater price tag. I enjoyed the creativity of how it was filmed, but there was way too much "glitter" in the special effects, like at least 10 minutes way too much. It seemed like art gone bad where, when you decide one thing is working, you decide to do that one thing ten thousand times. The critics think it's great; I think you should wait for the dvd.

Never Knew

2012-02-24T21:07:00.005-06:00

11-22-99

2012-02-23T19:19:00.001-06:00

"The important thing is this: To be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become." --Charles DuBois

Breaking of the Shell

2012-02-22T18:48:00.000-06:00

"Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding." --Kahlil Gibran

Rawr!

2012-02-21T19:21:00.001-06:00

Emerging

2012-02-20T12:23:00.003-06:00

Hatching

2012-02-19T22:23:00.000-06:00

Hard Knock Life

2012-02-18T22:49:00.000-06:00

Some days, I get pretty overwhelmed and angry. Usually, I direct this anger inward and blame myself for everything I coulda, shoulda done differently. Sometimes, I get angry because things don't seem to make sense. Why am I losing my house when I look around and see thieves and druggies who are not? Why don't things ever seem to go my way? What did I do to deserve all of this?

Someone said to me today "It has to get better."
I said, "I don't think it does..." What a crappy attitude!

I am so emotionally caught up in wanting my kids to not have to move, to go to a good school, to have all the things and opportunities that I want to provide for them, that I let moments slip away.

I get so angry at people who could do more, but don't--as if they have any responsibility to me. They don't.

The only superhero that is going to save me from the financial mess after my divorce is a bankruptcy lawyer. I met with one on Christmas Eve knowing that I was on the brink of making this choice. I asked many questions and walked away knowing that the best option was to file Chapter 7 and give up the house, but not wanting to make this choice.

It is really scary and embarrassing to be going through all of this. I worry about where I will end up and if I will be able to provide a place for my kids. I hope some landlord somewhere will give me a chance. I worry about having to give up primary custody because I can't provide. I worry about the education my kids will receive based on where we might end up. I try to have faith that it will all be alright, but it is frightening to feel like no one has your back, and you have little ones depending on you. It's sad to know that I am only one of many people and families who are going through this. We're all so quiet about it, silently drowning.

This is what was on my mind tonight during this moment--hoping that when she is 12, she will be living with me, going to a good school, and living somewhere safe.

"Eye" Yi Yi

2012-02-17T18:39:00.000-06:00

I try to see the good in everyone.

I forgive as often as possible.

I laugh whenever I can.

I avoid the evening news because it is usually sad.

I like to keep my eyes wide shut.

I feel lonely tonight.

I think I did a decent job hiding the swelling and faint bruising near my eye.

I wish I could see my sister.

I don't feel like grading.

I anticipate not sleeping tomorrow because there is a sleepover at my house.

I need to put together a newer playlist with music to run to.

I want to take some pictures outside.

I am thankful it is a three day weekend.

I question myself.

Woman vs. Car

2012-02-16T20:33:00.000-06:00

My car and I are going through some relationship problems. Tonight, I was in a "car accident". Just me and my car. My car wasn't even moving.

In fact, I wasn't even in it. Yet, that was the problem.

I was trying to get into my car at the grocery store, and suddenly the doorframe wasn't where it used to be. There was probably an earthquake at that exact second in a very isolated area. Then, *BOOM*!

Instead of successfully entering my car, like 99.9999% of the car driving human population can achieve, I half fell in and hit my right temple on the door frame.

Everything went black and all I felt was pain. I sat there dazed, holding my head. I quickly locked my car doors because my son was with me and I was worried I would pass out and something bad might happen to him. A woman came over to check on me, it was that kind of bad.

Obviously, I made it through this catastrophe.

I've already had people laugh at me when I attempted to explain. They were amused and had responses like "Ouch! How the heck did you manage to do that?"

I admit I was distracted. My mind was elsewhere. Instead of thinking about the skills necessary to enter a car, I was thinking about things like a note from my son's teacher which made me feel like a failure as a mother because my third grader had a book bag full of crap and missing work and then, there was this:

Now, I have an ice pack to my head, right about where puffiness and a faint black eye seem to be appearing. Maybe the forces that be were trying to knock some sense into me.

Whatever Dreams You Want

2012-02-15T19:19:00.001-06:00

Your questions are deep.

At age 33, they make me lose sleep.

I wish we could engineer a time machine.

Fast-forward twenty years and let you see they're no longer mean.

Would it help if you knew?

I believe in you.

I miss your goofy laugh and grin.

It's still in there though. They didn't win.

Oh! The places you will someday go...

Keep dreamin' kiddo.

Would you like an awesome book? http://veryawesomeworld.com/

I Heart You Too

2012-02-14T18:25:00.000-06:00

That's a Bad Word

2012-02-13T21:25:00.003-06:00

Snow.

Eleven

2012-02-12T20:35:00.000-06:00

Eleven years ago today, my daughter Katelyn was born. I remember the night before had been rough because as soon as I got to the hospital, my contractions stopped. Katelyn was past her due date and so, they admitted me and said that if nothing happened, labor would be induced in the morning. I remember laying in the hospital, so fearful because I could hear all the women in labor. One woman in particular refused any pain medication and was obviously in a tremendous amount of pain. I drifted in and out of sleep.

On the ride to the hospital, Guns-n-Roses' Paradise City was playing on the radio. Katelyn knows this and likes that she has a song to celebrate her birthday. She brags to her friends when it comes up on her playlist: "This is the song that was playing on the radio before I was born."

I was 22 going on 23 when Katelyn was born, still pretty young. I remember when the nurse placed her in my arms and I got to really see her for the first time. She looked like baby pictures of me when I was little; it was bizarre. She had fabulously long eyelashes and elegantly long fingers and a happy little personality. I was fantastically nervous.

Books and medical people speak all this hoopla about babies not really smiling until a certain age; anything before then is just gas. They have all these developmental milestones for personality and conceptual understandings. Personally, I think they are all wrong. I have a photo of my daughter smiling for the first "family picture" before we left the hospital.

As my first child, Katelyn teaches me many things about life. I have learned that sometimes kids just figure out how to do things on their own--like somersault. This girl was somersaulting everywhere at age 2 and everyone thought someone else had taught her. I have learned that kids have an abundance of creativity and I have a difficult time shutting it down even when it's not entirely happening at an appropriate moment because I want to see where it goes. I remember watching Katelyn test various toys against the child safety gate to determine which one would be the right height to make her tall enough to get over. I remember watching her try to figure out how to master cranking her leg up high enough to make it out of her crib and realizing that if she could pull things into her crib from nearby shelves and dresser tops, that she could stand on those and achieve this quicker. There are also many walls that she drew all over, but I didn't take away her crayons. Last year, she decided to pour entire containers of glue out on her desk to see what would happen. I found this mess part way through the drying process and just sighed and said okay, we'll see. It actually turned out to be really cool. She is blessed with natural creativity and is fortunate to be surrounded by many people in her life who are also creative.

She is also helpful. Just the other day, she texted my Mom to ask her to bring milk in the morning when she came to babysit because we were out. I had no idea and was planning to run out in the morning and get some when my Mom showed up with it. One year, Katelyn decided to be helpful and clean the new t.v., only she got it all wet and broke it. I remember not being able to be mad at her because she had good intentions; it just turned out wrong. I also remember when she decided to share stuffed animals with Tristan when he was a baby. I woke up from a nap and panicked when I saw his crib entirely full of stuffed animals and realized that he was under all of that. Obviously, he was just fine. She is always the first to want to help with anything she can.

I feel like in each of these moments that I so vividly remember, I was just a bystander to her achievements or random "doings". In some of these instances, I stumbled upon her accomplishments after the fact. Maybe these memories are the most intense because I was the one learning. I am always learning how to be a Mom or how to be a better Mom. It can be a difficult line to walk between providing enough freedom to learn and enough protection to be safe.

Age eleven means that life is going to start to become a little more serious bit by bit. Just the other day, she had to make a choice for an elective for middle school. What?

This is just a snapshot of the little woman she is becoming. I am so proud of her.

Deprivation

2012-02-11T11:52:00.000-06:00

I crack myself up!

I made this example (see picture) for my students because apparently, many more of them than I realized are not allowed on facebook. I assumed that even if they did not have a facebook page, that they would have seen someone else's and understand the basic format of how it was set up. Wrong!

I am impressed though by the number of parents who have imposed such restrictions on their kiddos.

This version of a facebook profile page is a bit older, but it works better for this particular idea--the kids are researching ocean animals and then, creatively fitting their research into a paper profile page. (This idea is a mixture of ideas from a colleague of mine, I will not claim credit for the brilliance!)

Sometimes being deprived of things can force you to do what you need to do or make you choose alternatives that you would have never considered.

My car is stuck in the garage, waiting for a new battery. Apparently, this battery had been working too hard and is just shot. Anytime I want to get it started, I need a jump and then, can't shut the car off. It won't keep a charge. So, instead of doing whatever I would be, I am sitting down and working on school stuff. It feels good to unbury myself from my to-do list.

In another class I teach, we are studying energy. The students were recently asked what they would do on a weekend if they had no electricity. One of the kids replied that they would actually have a much better weekend because they would be more likely to spend time outside with their friends. Pretty entertaining, huh?

Sometimes, less is more.

Zero MPH

2012-02-10T21:01:00.001-06:00

I was going nowhere after school today...because my car wouldn't start. Amusing after yesterday's post. Also, my driver's side windshield wiper broke. Yes. Also today. (It just needs to be replaced.) I am trying to frickin' drive here, darn it!

I was talking with a friend after school about what science can't possibly be in control of. I often wonder about coincidences. How much of the ironic humor seemingly portrayed by a power greater than us is perception versus reality?

It is a thought I could contemplate forever.

Drive

2012-02-09T20:48:00.001-06:00

"It's driven me before

And it seems to be the way that everyone else gets around

But lately I am beginning to find

That when I drive myself my light is found"

--Incubus

You Take the Cake!

2012-02-08T23:16:00.001-06:00

Jerry remembered that Wednesday is free pie day at Baker's Square and offered to take us to dinner.

YES!

Dinner conversation included creating squid jokes for a project the kids at school begin tomorrow, hearing the latest playground dilemmas, and making weird faces at each other.

All in all, it was a great night. :D

Laughing with Myself

2012-02-07T19:23:00.000-06:00

I always think to myself: Self...what would you do if you just jumped on the wrong train? Then, I imagine what it would be like to accidentally show up in the wrong place and laugh.

I am as much anxious as I am adventurous though. It can be an interesting combination.

This morning, I had a Starbucks and while I don't care much for V-Day, I was quite estatic to receive a cup with a cute heart. It was like receiving a little unexpected early morning valentine. (Aw! I love you too, Starbucks. ;-))

The train ride was to attend a conference for gifted education. It was interesting. This is the third, perhaps fourth year?, I have attended. I get frustrated by the number of things people try to sell though. If you pay for a conference (okay, the school paid) and transportation (the school didn't pay because I wouldn't carpool), you certainly don't need to spend your teacher salary on materials. *Give* me ideas I can use! I did, however, come away with some inspiration at a time of year when it is much needed. I also had lunch with some funny and fabulous people and I got to enjoy some morning time and exercise with a dear friend as we walked from Union Station to the Marriott.

On my way back, I ended up on the far side of Union Station and got lost trying to locate the main building. A guy who was trying to make a buck walked with me in the right direction. He made $5 off of this good deed and I made my train after realizing that it was running on track 30 instead of track 28 and jumped the track to board.

If anyone was watching me today, I must admit I was quite amusing--tripping up the train stairs, walking in circles, charging my phone as a audience member of a presentation, and getting stuck when my backpack was too large to fit in the narrow stairs for the top level of the train, amongst other various scenes.

At least, at the end of the day, I can look at my failures and laugh!

I can also laugh at this found message on my front door:

Thanks kids!

"A sense of humor is needed armor. Joy in one's heart and some laughter on one's lips is a sign that the person down deep has a pretty good grasp of life." --Hugh Sidey

Small Mark

2012-02-06T19:57:00.000-06:00

Unusually talkative, he wore a Ramen Noodle box (still partially wrapped) on his foot as a shoe and claimed it to be his house. He marched around the room stomp, stomp, stomping on his house.

He laughed at me when I smiled and told him that he needed to aspire to greater things and could not live in a box. He proclaimed it his fort and then, wrote this on my whiteboard, all before 7:30 this morning.

Yes, you did.
Did I?

Superwoman

2012-02-05T19:48:00.003-06:00

This photo was actually sent to me today by someone else. They didn't say anything to me when they sent it. They just sent the picture. I looked at it and thought about how nice it was outside and remembered an evening in particular from two summers ago that was spent wandering around downtown with this particular person. I wished I could be there.

Thinking back to that evening was like looking at someone else's life. I need to dig myself out from some of these stresses. It might involve some big changes and some leaps of faith, but I cannot continue to manage the lifestyle that was created on two incomes. I have been contemplating, thinking, and praying. Some days I just hoped to be saved, but there's no Superman in my Metropolis, only a Superwoman.

Countdown to V-Day

2012-02-04T19:35:00.000-06:00

I missed out on blogging yesterday. Gasp! So, to make up for it, I will share two experiences from today as two separate blogs and I will go back and change the date on this one because it will make me feel better that there is a blog for each and every day. :)

Valentine's Day is quickly approaching. As a result, all parents must either create or acquire small cards for their elementary school-age children to write their names on. There are so many rules nowadays about handing out these little cards. There are definitely no treats allowed and some schools will not allow the kids to write who each card is "to" and insist that they be randomly handed out.

It's kind of funny, when you think about it. The demand for children to create cards without addressing them to anyone in particular. "Be Mine _________ (insert random name here)."

I remember when I was growing up how much time I would put into deciding who would get each type of valentine. Your best friends should definitely get the best valentine in the box and you wanted to find one for the boy that you thought was cute that wasn't too girly. I would decorate the outside envelopes with designs and with stickers, if I was lucky enough to have those too. At the end of the day, after the exchange where I had collected all of my valentines, I would ooh and ah over each design and try to determine if there were any hidden messages behind the cards that were chosen for me.

Some years, if I was lucky, I would even get a valentine in the mail from my Dad. One year, I remember my stepdad bought us all a small heart shaped box from Fannie May.

When my daughter was choosing her valentines today, she proclaimed, "I don't really like Valentine's Day..."

Yeah.
Me either.

One Step Closer

2012-02-03T22:50:00.003-06:00

I am one step closer.

Like Ponies on a Merry-Go-Round

2012-02-02T21:40:00.003-06:00

Today was full of many ups and downs. Every time I thought things were heading in one direction, I found them heading in another. At the end of the day, I find myself pretty confused and wondering how much truth there really was in much of what was said.

Time Traveler's Strife

2012-02-01T22:14:00.001-06:00

Rechargeable

2012-01-31T20:15:00.001-06:00

Acknowledgment.
Acceptance.
Affirmation.

We all need to feel appreciated. We need to know that what we do matters. We need to know that our own presence has a significance. It matters that I am a Mom. It matters that I am a teacher. It matters that I am a sister, a daughter, and an Aunt. It matters that I am a woman.

For every role of our lives, we seek to receive this recognition. The more hats we choose to don, the more of ourselves that we spread around, the more that this recognition becomes not just nice, but necessary. It is like the mental recharge on my Energizer life.

Today, I was blessed to receive two *zaps* of energy. (If I was saying this out loud, there would be a sound effect here. *buzzzzzuuhhhh-buzzzzzuuhhhh* I like sound effects.) One was a small note in my mailbox that said, "Thank you for all of your support and time for our 'challenging' kids; you are very flexible." :) The other is pictured below:

"There is more hunger for love and appreciation in this world than for bread." - Mother Theresa

Secret Good Things

2012-01-30T20:58:00.000-06:00

Secret good things are happening today. They probably happen every day, but I am only one potential target of 6,991,255,405 people.

When you think of it this way, it is pretty amazing that I could be the recipient of even one good thing a day. Having multiple good things happen to you is the equivalent of winning an Oscar nomination!

I have had several acts of kindness (not truly random) directed towards me today. Kind words--both written and spoken and kind gestures where others gave so much more than they should have.

This morning, I ventured down to the copy room and found a beautiful little envelope addressed to me in my mailbox. I inspected the handwriting, but didn't recognize it. It was definitely the prettiest thing of all the many items in my mailbox. I started opening it and realized that it wasn't a card at all, but a post-it note attached to three twenty dollar bills.

It read: "Have a great week! --read your blog hope this helps"

I think someone might have started to say something to me or maybe they were talking to someone else, but I was just blown away. I just walked out, partially crashing into the door.

What?
Who does this?

My eyes started brimming with tears as I fumbled down the hallway, hoping not to run into anyone. I just needed a moment, by myself--to whisper thank you. Thank you for caring about me. Thank you for being a good person. Thank you for your generosity.

As I drove home tonight in Jerry's truck, he called to say that a friend of his had dropped him off at the auto shop and he was waiting for them to finish up my car and would front the money and drive it back across town for me. When he got here, he told me that I owed him $500 and handed me the receipt.

When I opened it, I saw the bill was really for almost $700.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

I always tell myself to have faith that everything will work out, somehow. When everything seems like it is up in the wind and problems are snowballing, I have to remember to have faith.

"It's lack of faith that makes people afraid of meeting challenges, and I believed in myself." --Muhammed Ali

Thank you for helping to restore my faith.

Deeply Rooted

2012-01-29T21:18:00.001-06:00

I realized that my alternator was going out this evening because the guy at the auto store said it was either the corrosion on the connection to my battery or my alternator going out only hours before it actually did. Thanks free computer diagnostic! :D

While I was driving down Caton Farm, I remembered the scenario of when the alternator in my car went out years and years ago, on a cold night (right in front of the adult bookstore and rundown motel on Route 30). I remembered not to brake because I wouldn't be able to accelerate and I remembered the power steering would probably go out. I gripped the wheel tightly with both hands and made a quick left turn on to a side street and then a right turn into a parking lot and coasted right in to a parking space. Beautiful! I thought.

My phone had been on the charger, but I had enough power left to call some people. My Mom came and got me and took me home. Then, she came inside while I cried a bit--not about my car, really, but the fact that this repair on my car was one more thing. One more thing on top of just having replaced my radiator and just before I was about to have the ball joints in my car replaced because I am "one bad pothole away from a major accident" on top of a list of ever growing problems and concerns which leave me wanting to scratch this current life and hit "new game".

I was angry and bitter and upset for awhile, but then, after some time and a car ride back and forth across town to have a vehicle to borrow to get to work tomorrow (Thanks Jerry), I got over it. I started thinking--what would it be like if I had a "new game"? If I got to keep all of my lessons learned, clear all the game pieces, restate the rules with some clarifications, take a deep breath and begin again...what would it look like?

I started imagining this new game and who I would let back in and who I wouldn't.

Then, I realized that there is a Napoleon Dynamite cartoon on Fox.
WHAT?
Yesssssssssssssssssssssss.
It's amazing! I love Napoleon Dynamite!

"This is the best frickin' day of my life!" is what Napoleon Dynamite was saying, which reminded me that after I left the auto store and before my car broke down, I went to Barnes-n-Noble and read a very good book excerpt about impermanence and being fully present. I wrote this quote on my hand because I wanted to remember it: "It is said that we cannot step into the same river twice."

I find myself constantly wanting to remember what is important and to realize that these so-called tragedies of my life are really all "small things" from a different perspective. I find myself judging whether or not my life is "good" by whether or not I am on target to meet my next goal or whether or not I am equally as successful as or more successful than those around me. I find myself angry with the selfishness of those who have so much and give so little. I find myself enamored with those who have so little and give so much. This world is always changing...which when paired with the idea to "Be the change you want to see in the world" seems to beg the question-- when and where will I jump in?

I thought I had, in some ways, but the change I thought was needed has much deeper roots than what I was prepared for.

Where Beautiful Things Begin

2012-01-28T17:54:00.005-06:00

Somedays, I like to drive around and just see what has changed in different parts of town. I guess having lived in this area off and on throughout my life, these buildings and roads are backdrops of my history.

One of my favorite places in town is Larkin Avenue. It houses my old junior high and memories of a time when I felt more insecure and awkward than I do today. It houses my family's church and many happy and sad moments that have taken place in its walls. It is the street my Grandma walked down to go to the grocery store and sometimes, to go to Frank's Nursery.

I have been thinking a lot about my past life in retail: what I liked, what I hated, what I learned...

I started working at Frank's the summer after my freshman year at college. It was supposed to only be a summer job, but it wound up being a lot more, like seven and a half years. I met a lot of people there who really shaped who I became.

This is a picture of the old yard at Frank's, just sidewalks and snow and no longer fenced in. This was my first Frank's. I worked at many.

In this yard and parking lot, I learned how to drive a forklift and could take off annual racks as tall and as wide as a semi. I learned the difference between impatiens, alyssum, salvia, petunias and snapdragons. I learned how beautiful hundreds of jasmine flowers smelled and how many amazing colors and shapes bromeliads grow in (okay, that was inside).

I learned that Barbara had lots of cats and would buy every plant I marked down. I learned that a hello and a genuine smile can make a world of difference in a person's attitude. I learned that the boy who ran the yard wasn't married, he only lived with his sister.

I learned that hard work was recognized and I would earn raises and promotions. I learned that whether it was 25 or 60 degrees, the yard would be bursting with plants for Mother's Day and you better just be ready to water them in and break out the frost blankets when needed. I learned that the three numbers on fertilizer are for nitrogen, phosphorous, and potassium and the up, down, all around rhyme. I learned that you could actually get a good arm workout watering hanging baskets.

I learned that people would talk about me no matter what I did, and I just had to ignore them, even when they keyed my car. I learned that plants died all the time because there was never enough people to do everything effectively. I learned that vendors call the same old stuff new names just to make it seem appealing. I learned the magic of decorating no less than a half dozen artificial Christmas trees on an annual basis and the workout if unloading and staking hundreds of real trees. I learned that not everyone was happy to get the Wednesday senior discount.

I grew up a lot, right here. I think the biggest thing I learned though was how to move on to bigger things when opportunity knocks.

Outer Space

2012-01-27T19:50:00.002-06:00

I felt like Jack when he escapes Room.

It seems like when I get sick, I really get sick. I wondered to myself why this happens and decided it is because I am constantly under so much

s t r e s s.

I'd like to give some special shout-outs at this point specifically because you gave me one, but I am better than you and I know it.

Peace.

Chicken Soup

2012-01-26T17:19:00.000-06:00

This is day three of being sick. I woke up for the second time around 11 a.m. and decided that no one was coming to help me; so, I better start figuring this out on my own. I drove to Walgreens (probably not a good idea, but I am stubborn and impatient) and bought soup, oatmeal, oj, and gatorade. I made a doctor's appointment for this afternoon over the internet. Thank goodness for technology because my throat hurts so bad right now. It makes it difficult to talk. The doctor said it is probably strep.

A post I caught up on later in the week--je--Fri 1/27/12

I am Sick

2012-01-25T19:01:00.000-06:00

This is a snapshot into the life of a single Mom.

I am sick: fever, night sweats, body aches, swollen glands, and a sore throat. I fell asleep at 5 p.m. yesterday and woke up here and there, but pretty much slept until almost 4 p.m. today. Thank you to my boyfriend who stopped by last night to drill soda bottles for science classes and wound up making my kids dinner. Then, later, he texted them (on TextNow on their I-Pods) to let them know it was time for them to shower and then, to go to bed. I think they listened. Then, my Mom came to get the kids off to school this morning.

I am still feeling miserable, but at least I am beginning to do something, anything. This is what I woke up to:

If she was a little bit taller, she would be running everything, everywhere. She is sweet though, isn't she?

Then, there was this note from my son. So, something bad happened while I was passed out, but apparently, they got over it.

This is what they left me to eat:

Funny, aren't they?

Tuesday?

2012-01-24T17:34:00.000-06:00

No way. There was a Tuesday this week?

A post I caught up on later in the week--je--Fri 1/27/12

Hello Today Me

2012-01-23T19:21:00.001-06:00

Some days, I see pictures of myself and think about all the things I wish I could go back and tell myself at that age.

"He's so not worth it" at a time when I was totally heartbroken. "Don't worry, your children will be amazing students" at a time when I was just beginning to learn about hearing loss and cried, wondering what it would be like for their future and for their education. "Yes, you will learn how to be a mother" at a time when I was unmarried and pregnant and not sure where my life was heading and if I should be a Mom. And a few "What in tarnation are ya doing?"s

(I've walked a lot of paths in this life. If you're ever thinking that no one could understand, try me.)

Today, I thought about what "future me" would say to "today me". I have never thought about it quite this way. What amazing experiences and hardships will I have encountered and learned from that will have me looking back at this photo thinking about all the things I wish I could tell myself?

Then again, isn't it true that someone was there telling me all those things at those moments?

Hello today me.

Paper

2012-01-22T15:08:00.000-06:00

Paper and paper and more paper...

I am growing to hate paper more and more each day. Papers I have to grade, bills that come on paper in the mail, paper that gets hand-delivered to my house because I can't pay the bills that come on paper in the mail... Paper has become a symbol for all that is not going right in my life right now and there is so much of it.

*pause*

I try to think to myself--Why Jen! You should be so thankful for this paper! Some people don't even have paper! Some people *wish* they had paper. Really all this does though is make me want to go spend time with these paperless people. Where are you? What do you dream of when you don't even have paper?

I need to go there and quietly listen and remember what is important.

Rearview Mirror

2012-01-21T18:08:00.002-06:00

When I look in the backseat of my car, I always think about how big my kids are getting. Katelyn doesn't even have to sit in the back anymore. She finally weighs enough. Over the years, there have been so many funny moments: misinterpretation of words with my kids' hearing loss, moments when one kid tattles on the other, small realizations... sigh. As they get older, their friends have started to join us on short trips out to the store or to get something to eat. I am always so thankful to have kids that are close together in age. They fight, but they are also friends and friends with each other's friends. Sometimes when we are driving, I reach back and grab one of their hands to hold, just to feel their soft nubby little fingers. Yes, I will miss this one day.

Raising (Kane)

2012-01-20T21:21:00.001-06:00

A blurry picture to capture a whirlwind of a day. There's nothing like a goal from Patrick Kane to make a girl's day better. Thanks Kaner!

Behind the Eight Ball

2012-01-19T20:15:00.001-06:00

Sometimes everything seems out of my control.

Beautiful Woman

2012-01-18T21:12:00.000-06:00

Today is January 18th. It is Nita's 82nd birthday. Though this picture was taken in August of 2010, I remember how beautiful this moment really was--a brilliant sunlit morning just outside of the Tree of Life in Mission, South Dakota. Nita slowly, but steadily walking down the path towards the drive in her white canvas shoes with worn soles and her toes poking through the tops. Dressed in clothes that she had probably worn thousands of times because she saw no need for purchasing anything new. She would rather give what she had to those who had less. Arms wrapped with my brother Andrew who never quite explained to me before this trip why Nita was the most phenomenal woman that he knew; I just knew that she was.

During this short week, I watched her use a step stool to climb in and out of our large passenger vans as we made stops here and there throughout the night. I watched her plan and cook delicious meals and deserts for the entire crew who had volunteered and then, dozens of others in the community. I watched the way that she looked at each person who came to visit or who was just part of our group--she accepted them all and loved each and every one of us even if she had only known us for a matter of minutes. I watched her eyes sparkle as she talked about all of the mission trips in which she had participated. In 2010, at age 80, Nita had the spunk of a twenty-year old. Her wit, her jokes, her understanding of life blew me away. She transcended time. You could talk to Nita about absolutely anything. She understood. The only thing that age 80 did was slow her down from being able to deliver more cookies and hugs.

Tonight, she is on a ventilator in the Critical Care Unit. She is heavily sedated and in and out of consciousness. As I pray for her, I am going to remember this moment: walking arm in arm, bathed in sunlight.

Nita--You are beautiful, in every way.

"Do all the good you can

By all the means you can

In all the ways you can

In all the places you can

At all the times you can

To all the people you can

As long as you ever can."

--John Wesley

86,400 Seconds

2012-01-17T19:28:00.001-06:00

It took seconds, but it made my whole day. :)

The Pretenders

2012-01-16T23:59:00.000-06:00

Don't get me wrong, I like to purchase things as much as the next person, but sometimes I go pretend shopping.

Yes.

No. I do not have a shopping addiction. It never starts with this intention, but at some point, I realize how nutty I am for spending this money and that I am not really buying this stuff. Yet, I keep on shopping with some future dream in mind that someday I might decide to actually purchase said items--or search for identical items online at discount prices.

Today, I dreamed of purchasing new bed sheets and a duvet cover for a duvet I do not have. Martin Luther King had a much grander dream in comparison.

P.S. I bought a new bed instead. Sometimes a girl needs to move on with her life. Goodbye old bed. Sorry, but you needed to go.

Answer

2012-01-15T20:42:00.000-06:00

"Don't you want to be with someone you can't wait to see every day and who makes you feel sexy and beautiful?"

This is No Time for Conversation

2012-01-14T22:37:00.001-06:00

I laughed when I saw this quote on the side of the A1 bottle. It reminded me of something my niece said this summer: "This is no time for squirrel games!"

I saw the picture below the caption after these thoughts. I saw the look on the woman's face and thought of how many times I have felt that same way.

How many times have I been too busy for someone and not really been there? How many times have I forgotten what my "A1" is and mixed up my priorities? There are so many times that I have said "Now is not the time". Even as an adult, there are so many times when *I* have been indirectly told or made to feel that "now is not the time". I can remember exactly how that feels inside and no matter if it was anticipated or not, it still hurts all the same. This is no time for conversation translates to you are not my priority right now. Sometimes, you see why you can't be. Sometimes, you look at what their priority is and all you can think is wow...that's really messed up.

What's your A1?

Reliance

2012-01-13T19:34:00.001-06:00

Rely on Yourself. It's funny that this card of all others is in this "Wisdom for Healing Cards" box that my mother passed down to me because in my life, relying on others is what I tend to struggle with.

When I was 19, one of my managers told me one night as we were straightening annuals in the polyhouse at Frank's that I was "a great employee, but not a team player". I didn't know how to divide and conquer, I wanted to do it all by myself.

The problem was that I never trusted anyone to do things like I was going to. If it wasn't going to be done the way that I envisioned it, it wasn't going to be enough. And we definitely had to make sure that it got done. It couldn't not be done and it couldn't be done sloppy.

Have.

Always.

Relied.

on.

Myself.

Wayyyyy too much. And when I choose to or am forced to rely on others, as soon as I am let down, I immediately think--yep, I should have done it. It should have been me. I shouldn't have trusted them. Then, we wouldn't be having this issue. Usually, I find myself lowering my expectations of people who have let me down--to protect myself--so, I don't find myself let down again. And then, I notice the few--who don't. They don't let me down. Ever. I wonder if they know who they are. I wonder if they know how much they really mean to me.

Family Circus

2012-01-12T21:05:00.002-06:00

See Ya Later Alligator

2012-01-11T21:44:00.000-06:00

The life of a science teacher beyond teaching:

Gave up my lunch to work with students.
Tutored a student after school for an hour.
Stayed at school until a quarter to 5 entering grades and setting up a lab.
Came home, picked up my own kids and my daughter's friend, went to Menard's, tried to find more supplies for tomorrow's lab.
Figured out what to buy to connect these new solar panels to a multimeter (on my own).
Came back home, lucked out that my boyfriend came over and cooked dinner for myself and the kids. Thank goodness!
Taught myself how to strip and crimp wires.
Replied to a parent e-mail that I should have replied to yesterday, but I got locked out of my school e-mail account (hacked?...I hope not) and had to wait until today to have my password reset.
Made 12 of these things: alligator clips +...

Now it is almost 9:30 p.m. I still have over 200 papers to grade including essays and answer keys to make... The list goes on and on... I can't do it all tonight. I have to sleep. I love my job, but somedays there is just too much. It is hard to be a good Mom and a good Teacher.

Wiggle Wiggle Wiggle

2012-01-10T18:59:00.000-06:00

Ba da ba ba ba!

2012-01-09T19:29:00.001-06:00

This "baby toy" resulted in endless laughter from my two +1 kids. It's a great feeling when you see someone who can't stop laughing. It's even better when it's you. :)

Clean as a Whistle While You Work

2012-01-08T20:27:00.001-06:00

Today, we began to declutter. I often wonder how we have accumulated so much stuff.

My son's bedroom has been an out of control, nightmare of a mess for nearly a year. I am talking about the kind of room that you can't even walk into without DIY paths. That sounds horrible, but it is the truth. I could make excuses about why, but it was time to take some drastic action.

Step 1. Come up with a plan of attack.
Step 2. Go shopping at Target with "my buddy". Together, pick out and buy new organizing materials.
Step 3. Have son crate *all* of his things to the basement.
Step 4. Completely lose all cool and scream at random things found in room which I will not list online to spare him from any potential embarrassment.
Step 5: Rearrange room furniture. New ways necessitate a new look.
Step 6. Give my son a new organizing system. See picture.
Step 7. Any toy he wants to play with, he will have to go and find in the basement mess and give it a new home in his room.
Step 8. After some time has passed, the remaining basement mess will be haphazardly thrown in boxes and driven swiftly to the nearest Goodwill.

Hopefully, this will be a fresh start for him. I hope it works. I just keep thinking about the next "first big mess". What will I do?

Please Excuse Your Dear Aunt Sally

2012-01-07T15:26:00.001-06:00

Today, my kiddos and I went to Texas Roadhouse. They each got a kid's menu/activity sheet which has information about one of the 50 states. I love the idea that each kid's "menu" is different and so my daughter had something different from my son and if we came back in a month, they would probably get yet another variation.

The teacher in me had to take over though, when I saw my son answering 7 - 3 + 4 = ___ as 8. I busted out my PEMDAS skills and calculated the answer as 0. I imagine that there were bells and lights as I seized my teachable moment. I started explaining "Please Excuse My Dear Aunt Sally" and was joined by my daughter. My son looked at us and then said, "Ohhhhhh....the answer is zero." Then, he kind of chuckled, did the rest of the problems and wrote down 8 as his answer anyway.

When, I started to correct him again, he said "I know, but the answer below says Virginia became a state in 1788. See?"

Yes T. I see. (sigh)

Always a teacher. Always a learner. And yes, for those of you who may wonder, I pointed it out to TR. :)

Sunshine

2012-01-06T18:07:00.000-06:00

A beautiful sunrise on an unusually warm day in January and my kiddos came home from their Dad's after being gone for a week! :)

Say Cheese!

2012-01-05T17:48:00.001-06:00

Cheese! It all started with a conversation about The Melting Pot. Then, suddenly, cheese is on my mind.

J: What's for dinner?

Me: I don't know, but it needs to have cheese!

J: Well, that's pretty easy. There's a lot of foods with cheese.

Me: No. It has to be like ooey gooey liquidy cheese!

J: Like cheese fries?

Me: Yesssss! Perfect!

I Pity the Fool With No Imagination

2012-01-04T17:31:00.001-06:00

Do you see Mr. T blowing smoke out of his ears? 'Cuz I do! Totally. :D

doohrobhgien

2012-01-03T21:13:00.000-06:00

As in, I think I'm gonna get a new one...

Add caption

Hard Times

2012-01-02T22:49:00.000-06:00

The side of the bottle says "Hard times are some of the best times". Life has been hard the past few years. I could list each "tough event" as though it has somehow developed my personal resume, but really it wasn't the event itself, but what I did about it or how I responded to it.

I am by no means proclaiming to be perfect (I brought some of these events on all by myself) or saying that I have life all figured out now, but damn't, I am giving myself credit for persevering.

Confession: Over the last three years, at times, I forgot my values and made choices that I am ashamed of.

What I did about it: I forgave myself and others and developed three guiding statements that I decided I would try to live by. They are:

#1. Do all the good I can.

#2. Be honest.

#3. Have fun.

Whenever I am feeling confused or lost or lonely, I think about these three statements and seem to find direction. I also try to keep my life in perspective. My hard times are nothing compared to those of others in this world.

Perhaps, the "best times" referenced, are the lessons learned. The moments you look in the mirror and say, "Yes, I can." and the moments you stand up and speak up, no matter the price. Perhaps, the best times are when you realize what you are capable of and when you decide to no longer be the victim of circumstances. Perhaps, the "best times" are when you realize all that you have to be grateful for despite great losses. The "best times" are when you find out who your friends are...when you find out who you are.

The best times seem to be born out of the hard times. So, here is a toast to all that is on the horizon for those of you experiencing hard times. The best times are on their way. I promise...and believe.

A Small Fortune

2012-01-01T18:28:00.001-06:00

We each receive a small fortune every day. What's yours?

Eyes Like a Shutter, Mind Like a Lens

2011-12-31T17:08:00.000-06:00

They say a picture is worth a thousand words. This year, I am "gonna snap 365" photos to illustrate this thing I call my life. I imagine it could get pretty interesting.

This whole idea began with a scrapbook cover I saw on pinterest that said 365 Days of Gratitude, followed by some dear friends of mine who boasted that they "were going to start a project for 2012." These lovely women are going to take a picture AND write "at least a paragraph each day". I think they are flippin' crazy! (xoxo mr and cn) How will they find the time to continue to be completely awesome and accomplish that? Since I cannot forget to be awesome (catch that, mk?), I cannot commit myself to lengthy amounts of writing. However, since I can install Blogger on my phone, I should be able to fulfill my commitment to a picture a day. Sometimes, you might even get some words to explain my fantabulous photograph! :) Sometimes you'll just be left wondering--what does it all mean?

Here's to me and photography in 2012! Hopefully, I can follow through! Besides, twenty-12 is a leap year so I am already giving myself permission to take one day off. :P